With friends like these...
An illustration on how NOT to handle your friend's grief
Last week we talked about how interpreting proverbs requires discernment, and this week the story of Job is powerfully illustrating that truth. The sayings of Job’s friends sounded a lot like Proverbs, but their words were certainly not sweet to the soul or healthy to the body (Proverbs 16:24 NRSVUE1).
Instead, they were “like a thornbush brandished by the hand of a drunkard (Proverbs 26:9).”
Their self-righteousness overpowered any wisdom they had to share.
What exactly was wrong with their counsel? Many of the things that the friends said to Job were not necessarily untrue. By themselves and in certain contexts, they would be considered very wise. I would imagine if you put some of these on a framed wall print or bumper sticker, well-meaning shoppers today would scoop them up at Hobby Lobby or their nearest Christian bookstore.
The words of Eliphaz in 4:8-11 echo sentiments found in many parts of Scripture, “As for me, I would seek God, and to God I would commit my cause. He does great things and unsearchable, marvelous things without number. He gives rain on the earth and sends waters on the fields; he sets on high those who are lowly, and those who mourn are lifted to safety.”2
The problem is that these men were more focused on being right and proving their own rightness, than in their mission to “help” their devastated friend. They heaped shame on a man who had just lost everything, and they continued kicking him while he was down—again and again.
The three friends took turns hurling their accusations at Job, convinced that his suffering was due to his own sin and determined to get him to confess. After each friend had their turn cutting Job down, he called them out for their cruelty.
“I could also talk as you do, if you were in my place; I could join words together against you and shake my head at you. I could encourage you with my mouth, and the solace of my lips would assuage your pain.” (Job 16:4-5)
While his friends were focused on their own perceived “rightness,” Job pointed out that they could have chosen a different tactic. They had the ability to encourage him and be a solace, but instead they chose to speak harshly and “shake their heads” at him.
After another few rounds of this exchange, Job was overcome with grief. He cried out, “How long will you torment me and break me in pieces with words? These ten times you have cast reproach upon me; are you not ashamed to wrong me?” (Job 19:2-3)
The clear anguish in his words brings tears to my eyes. “Are you not ashamed to wrong me?”
The story of Job and his friends is a cautionary tale that we would all do well to consider.
How often have we been like those friends, self-righteously sermonizing to those who grieve?
In contrast, consider how God responds to grief.
When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears
and rescues them from all their troubles.
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted
and saves the crushed in spirit.
Psalm 34:17-18
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The Lord builds up Jerusalem;
he gathers the outcasts of Israel.
He heals the brokenhearted
and binds up their wounds.
He determines the number of the stars;
he gives to all of them their names.
Psalm 147:2-4
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The spirit of the Lord God is upon me
because the Lord has anointed me;
he has sent me to bring good news to the oppressed,
to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim liberty to the captives
and release to the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
to provide for those who mourn in Zion—
to give them a garland instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
the mantle of praise instead of a faint spirit.
Isaiah 61:1-3
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Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Matthew 5:4
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Rejoice with those who rejoice; weep with those who weep.
Romans 12:15
Jesus himself was no stranger to grief. When he approached the tomb of his friend Lazarus in the gospel of John, he knew that Lazarus would be restored back to life within moments. However, in the presence of the deep pain of those whom he loved, Jesus did not chide them for their grief.
He did not tell them that if only their faith had been stronger, their brother would still be alive.
Jesus wept.
In “Jesus and the Disinherited,” Howard Thurman writes about how Jesus was someone who understood those whose “backs are against the wall.” He shares one of his poems in the book,3 reflecting on how Jesus intimately knew the hardships of being poor and mistreated.
His days were numbered in great hostilities
Focused upon his kind, the sons of Israel.
There was no moment in all his years
When he was free.
-Howard Thurman
While Jesus drew near in compassion to the hurting and willingly shared in their grief, Job’s friends drew near only to feed their own pride.
Those friends sound like the people today who seek fame and power while preaching from their high places that empathy is a sin and some people deserve to suffer. They sound like those who insist that we cannot comfort those who are hurting without first preaching about what horrible sinners they must be.
They do not sound like Jesus.
The question before us as we read these texts is: Whose example will we follow?
Who will we sound like?
Paraphrased from the New Revised Standard Version Updated Edition. All Scripture quotations in this post are from this version, unless noted otherwise.
Compare this verse to Mary’s Magnificat in Luke 1:52-53: “He has brought down the powerful from their thrones and lifted up the lowly; he has filled the hungry with good things and sent the rich away empty.”
Howard Thurman, “Jesus and the Disinherited,” p. 34